Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
