I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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