Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
