she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.