I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??