his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
