But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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