Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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