I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
