You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
