you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
