I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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