Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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