What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
