I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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