did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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