When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
