And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
