He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
