i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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