All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
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It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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