in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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