It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
