just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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