the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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