haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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