drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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