Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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