We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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