i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
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You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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