So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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