I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
