well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
