one two three fourrrrnication!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
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