Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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