I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
