I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
