Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
soo... how was my night?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize