He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
