Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
