I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
