Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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