I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
