i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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