Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
