so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
