upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My liver just had a heart attack.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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