I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I cut my penus on the lid.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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