used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I love having hate sex.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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