How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
