when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
