I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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