hotel room ftw
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
