Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
