I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
