Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
my poor anus
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
